


Never Enough

by conformityissuicide



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-13
Updated: 2012-04-13
Packaged: 2017-11-03 14:24:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conformityissuicide/pseuds/conformityissuicide
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny has fallen in love with Steve. So, when he shows up on Danny's doorstep, broken and lost, Danny can't help but comfort him. But, Steve isn't ready to give Danny what he wants, and Danny allows him to keep coming back for more.</p>
<p>Written for the McDanno/O'Caan Angst fest on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Everyone! Here's a one-shot story that I wrote for the McDanno/O'Caan angst fest that Bfive0 sponsored on tumblr. So, fair warning, it's full of angst. I was reading a sex and intimacy book for class the same weekend I wrote this, so somehow it turned into an almost 8,000 word piece of angsty porn. Go figure. I hope you enjoy regardless! This was my first foray into explicit sex scenes, so if I did a pretty decent job all my Family Ties readers may be getting some more explicit Steve and Danny awesomeness as we move forward :)
> 
> I have not forgotten about Family Ties! I am hoping to start working on the next chapter soon! I'm in my last few weeks of school so it's crazy busy. I hope this holds you over till then! As always, please review and let me know what you think - good, bad, or otherwise. I love to hear about my work, and this was very different from what I normally write so all feedback is welcome!
> 
> Thanks as always to my wonderful beta jerseybelle for the work she put in to helping me with this and all of her encouragement :)
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from H50, I just like to mess around with their emotions from time to time. Also, I have no idea where the quote that is set off by ** is from, but it's not mine and I take no credit for it!

**  
If you’re upset, call me. I can’t guarantee I’ll make you laugh, but I can cry with you.  
**

Danny’s not sure who initiated the first kiss, but he’s confident that Steve was the one who finished it. Pulling away slowly, eyes fluttering open as Danny saw the pain reflected in the blue orbs, Steve moved back imperceptibly. If Danny hadn’t been a trained detective he may not have noticed the flinch, the ever-so-slight shift away from Danny’s smaller frame.

The kiss was awkward and magical and a hundred other cliché words Danny didn’t want to describe. The kiss was everything he wanted and more, but he didn’t think Steve was on the same page. Because as Danny began digesting the information his partner presented him, the subtle note of indecision and fear about having made a mistake, Steve lunged back towards him with full force. Grabbing Danny’s collar, pulling him closer so he was half on-top of Steve’s lap. And Steve tugged and forced his way into Danny’s parted lips. Shock froze him for a second before Danny’s brain caught up with his mouth and he let Steve’s urgent tongue in.

This time it was Danny who pulled away. His breathing was heavy and his tie felt suffocating. Pulling at the knot, loosening it, Danny sat back on the couch, taking in McGarrett’s disheveled appearance and lips red from the kiss.

Danny knew he should have been more suspicious when Steve showed up on his doorstep; Steve wasn’t subtle about his feelings concerning Danny’s apartment. He should have known something wasn’t sitting right when his partner waltzed in carrying two six packs and enough tension to cause an entire country to need anti-anxiety meds. But Danny’s feelings, feelings that had been secretly bubbling up under the surface for months, clouded his better judgment.

Danny had only known Steve for a few months, but he knew him. He knew that no matter what Steve said, having to kill Nick Taylor in his own backyard wasn’t hidden behind his goddamn Navy SEAL barb-wired compartment walls. It was out there in the open, vulnerable to Danny. What that meant, what it meant that Steve came here, to Danny’s, of all places after having to kill a brother-in-arms, Danny wasn’t sure. But the distraught look, the long-lost look in Steve’s eyes as he teetered on Danny’s doorstep, pushed the thoughts away as he ushered the man inside.

“That beer better be for me,” Danny joked, trying to loosen up Steve’s shoulders a little. He grabbed a bottle opener from the drawer, popped the caps off of two bottles and put the rest in the fridge to keep them cold; he didn’t bother to put the bottle opener away, he knew they’d need it again.

They sat on Danny’s fold out couch in silence, both enveloped in their own thoughts as they each downed three-fourths of the beer in one go. 

“I called Nick’s parents,” Steve offered into the silence.

“Why?” Danny hadn’t meant for it to come out callous, but he wanted to know why Steve was putting himself through even more torture.

“I knew them. I felt like they deserved to hear it from me.”

“Their son was a criminal; he sold himself out and dishonored the country he served by trying to kill General Pak for a payout.”

“But that was Nick’s choice, not his parents. Nick was my buddy, a friend. Honestly the closest thing I’ve ever had to a best friend besides you.”

Danny let the admission sit there, hovering over them both like a funny-shaped elephant in the room. They’d been dancing around this thing between them for weeks. Danny knew they were both aware of it, but neither wanted to risk what they did have, not that either had expressed what that was either. This was the first time what they had was given a name. Best friends. Danny liked it; it seemed so simple yet so right. 

And even though he wanted more, knew that after weeks of pretending he didn’t, his feelings ran deeper and it was getting more difficult to hide them. He thought he was past this unrequited love stage, but apparently not. He’d made the mistake with Rachel; trying to convince her she felt the same. Hell, maybe he didn’t feel what he thought he did back then, trying to hide from himself and everyone else that his true heart leaned much more towards tall, dark, handsome and possessing a Y-chromosome. But he had loved her with all he had to give and it wasn’t enough.

Who’s to say that Danny had enough for Steve fucking McGarrett, the epitome of everyone’s tall, dark, and handsome fantasy – male or female? The guy was a walking Adonis of male attraction. And Danny was just Danny, short, loud, and way too emotional on a good day.

“Aw, shucks man, are we having a moment,” Danny joked, coughing at the end to hide the hitch in his voice as Steve’s thigh brushed up against his. Steve leaned back against the couch, eyes closed and arm slung over his face.

“I’ve made those calls before, you know. I’ve led my fair share of SEAL teams into dangerous terrain, and they didn’t always come back out the other side. As the commanding officer I felt it was my duty to inform the families of my fallen brothers. It wasn’t always protocol, but the brass was usually okay letting it slip by due to the nature of the SEALs, the way we bond with each other.”

“I’m sure that meant a lot to the families, that the person on their doorstep or the other side of the phone knew their loved one, the notification wasn’t a stock, ‘On behalf of a grateful nation’ message.” Danny didn’t dare move, although he wanted to. He wanted to reach out and grab Steve’s hand or give his thigh a squeeze. Anything, anything to prove to Steve he wasn’t alone in this guilt or fear or sadness.

Danny wasn’t going to try and make it better, but he was going to sit here and experience it with him. Instead, Danny settled for getting up and grabbing two more beers out of the fridge. 

Looking back, Danny’s pretty sure he probably shouldn’t have gone back and gotten the fourth beer out of the fridge, but hindsight is always 20/20. 

Steve talked some more about Nick, but they were mindless stories, stories about a leave they shared in Bangkok or the day Nick graduated from BUD/s. They weren’t the real stories Steve wanted to share, Danny knew this. He also knew pushing Steve to tell them wasn’t going to make things easier.

As they downed more beer, Steve sprawled out more on the couch, his thigh now permanently settled against Danny’s. Danny relished and hated the contact all at the same time. It was what he wanted, craved, but he couldn’t take advantage of this situation, didn’t want Steve like this.

But, Steve had reached over, his hand pulling Danny’s cheek towards him so they were looking at each other instead of straight in front at the bare wall that Danny’s small TV was propped up against.

Steve rubbed his thumb against Danny’s cheek, his eyes open and lost; Danny didn’t know how to handle it. And Danny still doesn’t know who leaned in first, who made first contact, but before he knew it they were kissing. And then it got more heated.

Danny tried to pull away, his alcohol-fuzzed brain not wanting to, but rational sense winning out. “Steve, maybe we should…”

“Danno, I need this.” And goddamn if Steve’s eyes weren’t wet with unshed tears. Tears Danny knew Steve wouldn’t let pass across his walls, letting them fall would be admitting defeat.

So Danny did what he thought was right, he leaned back in and gave the proverbial green light signal. Steve, for his part, jumped at the sign. He pulled Danny completely onto his lap, nibbling and biting at Danny’s now exposed neck. His fingers laced themselves into Danny’s hair, messing it up much to Danny’s chagrin.

But Danny and his cock, which was now starting to take over the situation, didn’t care at the moment. The heat radiating between the two was becoming unbearable, and Danny felt like he was no longer in control of his body. He was there for Steve, for Steve’s fears and worries. So, Danny gave back what he was given, put himself whole-heartedly into it even though he knew, deep down in his rational place controlled by his brain and not his desire, that Steve was not here looking for what Danny truly wanted.

But Danny resigned to be okay with just this, just them in this moment, because if he couldn’t have him forever, then Danny was going to have Steve McGarrett for one night, and that would have to be enough.

Danny pulled at Steve’s t-shirt, yanked it over his head and ran his hands down the tight lines and cuts of muscle on Steve’s chest and abdomen. Tracing every line with his fingers and then his tongue, something he’d been wanting to do since the first time Steve took his shirt off on the beach outside his house. Of course, Steve must have been a stripper in a past life, the way he unabashedly took off his clothes at a moment’s notice every time since then, and Danny’s resolve had been weakening with each time. But now, now Danny had Steve here, under his fingertips; he could touch and taste and enjoy the body he’d been admiring from afar for so long.

Steve moaned as Danny’s tongue flicked over an exposed nipple. His fingers laced in Danny’s hair, pulling him closer, not wanting to let the connection waver for a moment. Danny took Steve’s moans as a sign to keep moving, so he did. He languidly made his way to the other nipple, giving it the attention it deserved before tracing his way down the washboard abs of his partner. 

Steve’s skin tasted better than Danny had imagined even in his wildest of fantasies that usually had him waking up drenched in sweat, sheets tangled around his ankles, boxers wet. Steve tasted like salt and gunpowder. Danny hated the ocean, but tasting it on Steve’s skin made him want to jump in the water and take Steve in his natural habitat. He would do it if it meant tasting the salt on Steve’s skin.

Danny made his way down lower, losing himself in the sensation of Steve’s body against his. His pants were getting unbearably tight, but he didn’t seem to notice, so caught up in the taste and smell of Steve. Danny’s exploration was halted as Steve’s arms grabbed at Danny’s shoulders, pulling him up so they were face to face. Steve’s eyes were dark, the blue almost completely hidden behind dark pupils blown wide. He never broke eye contact as one by one he unbuttoned Danny’s work shirt, taking it off in one swift motion. The bastard’s clearly had a lot of practice, Danny thought. But his mind stopped working at that point because Steve’s tongue ghosted over his pulse point and his fingers ran through the coarse curls on Danny’s chest.

Danny didn’t stop it as a moan escaped past his lips. Steve fucking laughed. It was soft and unnaturally adorable, but it was a laugh. Steve fucking McGarrett was laughing at him. And as his outrage began to build, Danny was quickly shut up as Steve’s tongue began its own work on Danny’s nipples.

“Oh, god, Steve.”

“Taste so good, Danno.”

And they stayed there for what felt like forever, just licking and biting and tasting. Steve held on for dear life, pulling Danny close, as if not holding on meant he might lose Danny forever.

At some point one of them moved uncomfortably, shifting against the obvious discomfort they were both in still wearing pants. Steve gave Danny the look, the ‘I want to go farther but I don’t know if you want to’ look. Danny didn’t say anything, but he did get off Steve, pulling the taller man to his feet as well.

“Danny, if this isn’t…”

Danny held up his hand, “I swear to god, if you finish that sentence…I’m just pulling out the bed.”

“Oh.” And goddamn if the gigantor of a man didn’t fucking blush. Danny was royally screwed. Because he knew, he knew that even though Steve’s words and actions said he wanted Danny, wanted this, Danny knew his eyes were saying he needed this. Needed the feeling of a person he trusted, cared for next to him. 

Needed a best friend.

And Danny knew it should make him feel a little used, but he also knew that he would do anything for Steve, would give Steve what he needed because the man was a walking emotional shitshow and needed something to help him let this death go.

So, Danny pressed forward knowing full well the next morning wasn’t going to be pretty; he didn’t care. He unfolded the bed and before an awkward moment could happen where they both know the ante’s been upped but neither was sure what do with that, Steve pounces, literally pounces on Danny, pulling him down, tongue shoved in his mouth as his hands grope around, nails scratching at Danny’s skin.

They wrestle around each other for a few minutes before Danny can’t take it anymore. He unzips Steve’s pants, pushing them down past his ankles where Steve promptly throws them off completely. Almost completely naked under him, Steve’s clearly not ashamed in the least bit. He’s got the aura of man who knows what he’s got and is confident in it. It makes Danny mentally slap himself in the head, his insecurities getting the better of him as he flinches slightly when Steve reaches for his own zipper.

Steve’s hand stalls for a minute, but Danny shakes his head, a momentary lapse in judgment. He wants this, wants it so fucking bad. Steve pulls Danny out of his pants quickly, not making any qualms about it as he pulls Danny’s boxer shorts down with them.

Danny moans as his cock is finally free of the confines of his dress pants, rubbing up against Steve’s bare thigh. Wait, bare thigh? When the hell did McGarrett become completely naked? Danny didn’t have time to dwell because, shit, Steve’s hand was pumping up and down his length, pulling him closer to his climax than he cared to admit. He was not going to embarrass himself in front of Steve by coming two seconds after their clothes came off; he was a grown fucking man, not a teenage boy who’s never gotten any before.

“Jesus, Danny, you are so hard,” Steve whispered against Danny’s ear, his breath tickling Danny’s throat.

“Mmmm,” was all Danny managed to get out because Steve started doing this flick-twist thing with his wrist that was fucking magical.

“Don’t tell me you’re quiet in bed, Danno.”

“You joke, but after I’m done with you you’re going to wish I was quiet in bed.”

Steve smiled, but Danny saw that it wasn’t a true smile. Not an honest-to-god Steve smile because Danny noticed every face Steve had, and he had a lot of them. And Steve’s real smiles reached past his eyes. And Steve’s eyes now, though dark with lust, were saddened. Danny pushed that thought to the back of his mind, his cock taking over as Steve’s fingers, slicked with pre-come, continued to pull Danny close to the edge. 

If you asked Danny later if he thought he should have continued past this point, he would probably say no, but, again, hindsight really is 20/20. Instead, Danny propped himself up, hovering over Steve’s prone form, Steve’s hands slipping from around Danny’s cock and instead grabbing his hips, grinding Danny against his own hard cock.

The sensation was mind-blowing, feeling Steve against him like that. But Danny tried to control himself, remind himself that this moment, this act was about helping Steve forget, helping him let go. It had been awhile since Danny had shared his bed with anyone, but much longer since he’d shared it with another man. This was the part he always dreaded, the first time when you weren’t sure who was going to top.

Danny liked it both ways, making it much easier on whoever he was with, especially if they had a preference.

Danny wasn’t sure why, but he knew that Steve would want to be inside of him, fuck him dirty and rough until he split Danny open.

Danny knew Steve.

Danny caught Steve’s eyes as his nails dug into Danny’s skin, grinding their hips harder together, pre-come glistening across both their stomachs. 

“I want to be inside you, Danny. I want to make you scream.” Steve’s voice was low and scratchy, like it was difficult for him to get the words out.

Danny kissed him, kissed him with all the passion and desire that had been building up inside him for weeks. He wanted Steve forever and Steve only wanted him right now.

Danny reached over to the side table, shuffling around inside for a bottle of lube he’d thrown in there awhile back when he’d first moved to the islands and needed to blow off some steam with a couple of no-name guys he’d picked up at a seedy gay bar downtown.

This was different for him even though he knew it wasn’t necessarily different for Steve ‘fuck ‘em and leave ‘em wanting more’ McGarrett. Danny didn’t care, and if the tightened look on Steve’s face was any indication, he might break if Danny didn’t give him this.

And Danny was nothing if not a good friend.

So Danny popped the top off the lube before Steve grabbed it from him roughly, slicking his fingers with more lube then was strictly necessary, but Steve’s fingers suddenly pushing themselves past the tight rim of Danny’s ass stuttered that thought to a sudden halt.

Steve was being careful but not gentle. He was making sure Danny was good and ready before they did this, but his fingers were moving in and out of Danny’s body like his life depended on it. Thinking about it, Danny was pretty sure it probably did.

After Steve had managed to get three slick fingers inside, Danny leaned down and kissed him, “I’m good, babe, I want you inside me now.”

Steve’s eyes darkened even more as his fingers fumbled trying to find the lube in the tangle of sheets around them. Danny swatted Steve’s hand away, ripped open the condom he had taken out with the lube, rolled it over Steve’s cock before picking up the lube and pouring some on his own fingers and slathering Steve’s length in it. Steve’s eyes fluttered close and Danny moved up and down the hard length, head purple with want.

“God, Danno.” Steve’s voice was wrecked.

Danny positioned himself over Steve, lowering his body slowly onto the length of Steve’s cock. Giving his body a minute to adjust around the thickness of Steve’s cock, because of course Steve’s cock had to be just as perfectly thick and wonderful as the rest of him, Danny moaned with pleasure as Steve filled him up. Steve’s hands were digging into the soft flesh at Danny’s hips, holding himself back from pushing into Danny with too much force.

“Go for it,” Danny commanded. And Steve did. Danny rode Steve’s cock up and down and Steve matched his rhythms by pushing back up, hitting Danny’s prostate every time. Stars were already blinking behind Danny’s eyes; the familiar pull of orgasm beginning to bubble in Danny’s stomach and Steve hadn’t laid a hand on Danny’s throbbing cock since he had started getting Danny ready.

Danny didn’t know what made him do it, maybe it was something Rachel said a long time ago about how he never actually looked at her during sex, but he opened his eyes and when he looked down Steve’s eyes were blown wide, looking at him. And Danny felt like Steve could see down to his very core, could see the inner-most thoughts of Danny’s soul. And Danny could see his. Steve’s eyes were wide and vulnerable and sad. They weren’t displaying what Danny knew was reflected in his own eyes, but they weren’t guarded and Danny thought that had to count for something.

Steve grabbed onto Danny’s hard cock, not breaking their eye contact, and began to fist him, doing that goddamn little wrist flick that sent Danny screaming senseless strings of words as his orgasm rocked through him and his come shot all over Steve’s stomach. Danny’s gaze never once left Steve’s as Steve pulled him through his climax, Steve’s own cock beginning to spasm with his own orgasm inside Danny.

It was fucking breathtaking; there wasn’t another word for it. Watching Steve come and having Steve watch him fused this connection between them he couldn’t imagine.

But even though they both felt it, felt the vibrations in their bodies and in the room, Steve closed his eyes. Danny pulled off and went to the bathroom to grab a cloth to help them wash off. Danny wiped himself off before throwing the towel to Steve. Once they were both cleaned off Danny looked back over at Steve.

His back was turned slightly towards him, blocking most of Steve’s face from view. But Danny saw, even though Steve was trying to hide it, the tears that silently slipped down his face as he finally mourned for his friend.

And because Danny felt the connection between them after what they had just experienced together, he cried too.

Cried for Steve having to lose a friend in that way, cried that Steve seemed to have to say goodbye to everyone, and he cried for the fact that he knew Steve wasn’t going to be there when he woke up the next morning.

Danny woke up alone.

**  
If you ever feel like you need to run away, call me. I won’t guarantee I’ll persuade you to stay, but I can run with you.  
**

Steve never mentioned their encounter. But he did continue to show up on Danny’s doorstep when a rough case couldn’t be handled with just some beer and a swim.

Danny wanted more. Danny wanted Steve to want him for more than just a night of forgetting. He wanted him to remember, wanted him to stay the night, kiss him good morning with morning breath and day-after stubble.

Numerous times Danny was poised to ask for more, but Steve silenced him with a kiss or well-timed embrace and the words left as quickly as they were formed as he melted into the warmth of Steve.

Danny knew that this was different, different then what he’d had with anyone else, including Rachel. Rachel gave him Grace, and that would never be a bad thing. But Steve gave him something else entirely. They knew each other on a level so improbable it seemed to be akin to heaven on earth. It was a bond they’d forged in fire, protecting each other when the bad guys got the drop and their op was compromised. But not only did they protect each other on the proverbial battlefield, but they protected each other in the silences after the shootout, when the world died down, the bad guys were locked away, and the adrenaline rush dissipated. Steve sought Danny out and Danny held his arms and heart wide open, even though he knew Steve would crush it the next day, without fail.

After Steve came home from North Korea, Danny waited. He waited for Steve to show up on his doorstep to rid himself of the pain, to let his guard down for a few hours.

But Steve never showed up. 

The next day Danny went to the beach house, on the premise of asking Steve if he needed a ride to work, but really he was worried. When Danny pulled up to the house, Steve’s truck was missing. Having no idea where his partner might be, and being concerned about the ungodly early hour it was, he used the GPS in Steve’s car to locate him. 

Danny shouldn’t have been surprised that Steve’s truck was at the base of Koko Head trail. Although he expected Steve to escape to the water, it made sense that he’d want to punish his body on the grueling 1,100 steps up the side of a fucking mountain. Slamming the car into reverse, Danny pushed the limits of normal driving speed as he made it to the mountain in record time. Pulling the Camaro into the spot next to the truck, Danny walked around back and opened the trunk. Danny couldn’t remember when he started keeping workout clothes in the back of his car; probably somewhere around the time Steve began to get concerned about Danny’s eating habits and general overall health. Of course, Steve used Grace, who learned about cholesterol in health class, because what the fuck school teaches third graders about cholesterol, to gang up on him, convincing him all too often for Danny’s liking to come jogging with him. Steve, at least, had the good sense not to suggest they swim for exercise.

Danny shrugged out of his work shirt and pulled on the t-shirt. Usually Danny would be more modest, but since the sun was barely peeking its rays over the horizon, Steve was the only person on this godforsaken mountainside at the moment, so he pulled down his pants and pulled on the shorts and laced up his running shoes. Glancing up the mountain, he saw that Steve was already halfway back down.

Danny didn’t want to think what time that meant Steve actually got here. He waited at the bottom of the steps until Steve came face to face with him.

“Danno, what are you doing here?” His breath was coming in heavy, gulping breaths.

“Thought I could use a little exercise this morning, I think your super SEAL ways have been rubbing off on me.”

Steve smiled. He knew that Danny was only there to make sure he was okay, but Danny had given him the opportunity to pretend that wasn’t true. So, Steve just responded, “Race you to the top.”

And Danny knew his chances of winning were slim, but he took off before the words had finished coming out of Steve’s mouth, and he ran with all he had in him to the top, knowing that what Steve needed was the chase, the need to put his whole heart and soul into the climb up the mountain and forget about everything else.

Steve did eventually catch and overtake him, but Danny had managed to stay ahead until they were three-quarters up the mountain, which really was a win in Danny’s book. Steve stopped at the summit, trying to catch his breath. Danny stood beside him, taking in the site of the Hawaiian Islands in the morning glow of the sunrise.

“You know, I’m really fine, Danno,” Steve said, not looking in Danny’s direction.

“I know you are,” Danny replied, knowing full well Steve knew he was lying. Again, Danny was protecting the stoic mask Steve had worked so hard to build up.

It didn’t matter that Danny knew how to make it come crashing down in a heartbeat, Steve trusted him not to.

“You know, I think this exercising thing is really working out for you. It took me almost the whole way up to catch you.”

Danny looked over at Steve, putting his hand up to try and block out the sun, “Well, when you train with a fucking masochistic Navy SEAL that tends to happen.”

Steve laughed and turned back towards the stairs. He didn’t say anything else, just began to run back down the mountain. Danny’s legs were burning; he couldn’t imagine what Steve’s legs felt like at this point, after having already done a loop and a half on the stairs.

What Danny wouldn’t do to wrap Steve up in his arms in that moment and take advantage of the guaranteed pliability of Steve’s extremities.

It took Danny awhile longer to make it back down the mountain, partly due to the fact that he didn’t want to trip over his tired feet and roll the rest of the way down. Steve was waiting at the bottom, a water bottle already uncapped in his hand.

“Make sure you drink all of that, Danno,” he said as he handed Danny the bottle, “You’ll need to stay hydrated after that.”

“Thanks. Now I need another shower.”

“Come back to my place,” Steve offered, “You’ve got a bunch of work clothes still there from when you were staying over a few weeks ago. Plus, my house is closer and the shower’s cleaner.”

“McGarrett, your shower’s cleaner than most sterile hospital rooms, you ridiculously neurotic Rambo.”

“Danny, you love my shower.”

“Never said I didn’t.”

Steve grinned and hopped in his truck, pulling out, but waiting for Danny to follow. 

Danny probably should have expected it, but alas, just like all things where Steve McGarrett is concerned, he didn’t.

The warm spray of the shower hit Danny in all of the right places. His sore muscles began to loosen up as he washed his hair with whatever disgustingly good smelling shampoo Steve kept on hand. Okay, so sue him, but over the past few months he’d noticed that whatever Steve used on his ridiculously short military-style hair was fucking amazing. And okay, maybe Danny got a little too much enjoyment out of slathering himself up in the shampoo because it meant he could smell Steve for a little while longer.

He was just getting to the ‘Oh, god, I’m never leaving this box of warmth’ moment when he felt a breeze of cold air rush in. Steve had ninja-ed himself into the shower without making a single noise with the shower curtain, the rush of air the only indication something had moved at all.

Danny didn’t have time to make a sarcastic comment before Steve’s mouth was on his neck, Steve’s taller frame pushing him against the wall of the shower, his groin rutting up against Danny’s slick back.

Steve didn’t say anything as he bit and pinched and scratched his way down Danny’s back, he didn’t have to. Danny knew like he always fucking knew that Steve needed this, this act of power and dominance within a safe situation. Steve didn’t need Danny, just what Danny offered. 

And fuck, Danny was in way over his head. Danny wanted Steve, wanted Steve at such a deep, unnerving level that he felt fragile in this moment. He knew Steve was aware of Danny’s feelings. They both had seen the looks in each other’s eyes, felt the energy coming to a head between them, but Steve couldn’t do it. He couldn’t take the leap off the edge and trust Danny to catch him.

Not in the way Danny wanted. Steve trusted Danny here, in the privacy of his house, or Danny’s, in a moment so intimate Danny felt that if Steve trusted him here there shouldn’t be another place in the goddamn world he didn’t trust him.

Steve exposed his raw self in these moments. His guard came down, the mask fell off, and Steve allowed Danny a peek into the inner-sanctum of his soul. And Danny lapped it up like a dog starved for water.

And Steve let him. He gave him these moments because he knew they would keep this arrangement they had alive. Danny was a fucking coward for not standing up earlier, telling Steve that he wanted all in, no more screwing around; he wasn’t there to scratch’s Steve burning itch every now and again.

But the killer, the thing that kept Danny coming back for more, was the fact that he knew Steve wanted Danny as badly as Danny wanted him. He knew that Steve came to him not because he thought Danny was easy, no if Steve wanted no-strings-attached sex he’d call Catherine. No, Danny knew that Steve showed up on his doorstep because Steve wanted the connection, wanted the trust and the intimacy, but didn’t know how to ask for it. So Steve, emotionally-stunted and carrying baggage for his baggage, came to Danny in his moments of complete and utter loss.

And Danny, head over heels like he was, allowed Steve to keep doing it, even though he knew he should push, push Steve to come out and say what he felt, what he wanted.

But Steve would never do that, not until threatened with the thought of losing Danny.

And although Danny recognized this, he couldn’t bear to put that thought inside his friend’s head. So, instead, Danny leaned back against the hard body pressed up against him and exposed more of his neck.

Turning him around by the shoulders, Steve kissed Danny full-on, holding nothing back as his lips bruised Danny’s, teeth nipping at the bottom lip as his tongue snuck through in exploration. Steve’s hands were wound into Danny’s hair, pulling him as close as physically possible. Danny moaned into the kiss, making Steve’s hardened cock jump against Danny’s stomach.

And without so much as a warning, Steve sunk to his knees and took Danny’s length in his mouth. Hollowing out his cheeks, Steve pulled Danny all the way in and then out, tongue swirling around the swollen head of Danny’s cock.

“Oh, mother of all that is holy,” Danny moaned. He was going weak in the knees, literally, as Steve’s tongue worked fucking magic on Danny’s throbbing length.

Steve laughed a little with Danny’s cock still in his mouth, sending a new wave of pleasure coursing through Danny’s body, bringing him close to the edge.

“Don’t do that unless you want me to come in your mouth.”

Steve’s motions sped up at that, his hands pulling Danny’s hips closer to his face in a signal that told Danny he wanted him to fuck his face; he was begging for it. So, like always, Danny gave Steve what he wanted.

Danny moved his hips forward and back at a decently quick pace, Steve’s mouth kept up with the pace, his tongue swirling the head every time Danny pulled back. Danny looked down to see Steve looking up at him so fucking broken Danny almost died right there.

It was like Steve had become acutely aware of the vulnerability he was showing in that moment, because he abruptly shut his eyes and tightened his mouth around Danny’s cock with just enough pressure to send Danny spinning over the edge. Steve swallowed down everything Danny had to give, sucking him dry as he helped lower Danny down to a seated position.

And they both sat there on the floor of the shower, the water that had long since run cold spraying their faces. Neither of them said a word. Steve looked at Danny and Danny looked back, knowing that he should push Steve, push him to admit what he’s thinking behind those stormy blue eyes.

But Danny’s a fucking coward, and he didn’t want to risk losing Steve in the only way he had him just because he wanted more.

Steve’s hand came up to rest against Danny’s cheek, he looked poised to say something, admit something, but he seemed to chicken out at the last second and instead dropped his hand, stood up and got out of the shower without a word.

Danny sat there a little while longer. He knew that when he got out Steve would be sitting in the living room, gun and badge on, waiting for Danny to give him the keys. They would walk out the front door, get in the car, go to work, and nothing would be mentioned of what had transpired.

Danny wanted everything and Steve wanted nothing.

And because Danny couldn’t bear to lose Steve, Danny let it happen.

**  
But, if one day you call and there’s no answer…I might need you.  
**

Danny dealt with the status quo of his and Steve’s…arrangement. Danny yearned for commitment and Steve allowed momentary glimpses of what they could share.

Danny hated being the strong one all the time, but he did it for Steve. 

He did it because he loved the big, giant idiot who couldn’t handle feelings. He did it because it was better to have Steve in silent moments locked inside the bedroom than to never feel the touch of Steve’s hand against his cheek or see the look of absolute submission Steve gave to him when they came together. It was better than having nothing at all.

When Danny first realized that his former partner, Rick, had taken Grace, he couldn’t breathe. He felt the air constrict in his lungs, unable to escape or open up for more. He remembers following Rick’s instructions in a blind panic; if you asked him now he couldn’t tell you what roads he took to get to that bus stop. He remembers having to throw away his cell phone when Steve’s name popped up on the caller ID. He remembers thinking about handling this blind, wondering if Steve would figure out what was going on and come and find him.

It turned out that Steve did learn what was going on, and he came to Danny’s rescue just as much as he came to Gracie’s. Steve tried to stop Danny from shooting Stan, reigned him in long enough so that Danny didn’t shoot Rick in cold blood and end up in jail, no place Grace’s father should ever be. 

And when Danny embraced Rachel and Grace, he saw the look Steve gave him over Rachel’s shoulder. Not able to decipher it at the moment, Danny just closed his eyes and enveloped himself in the comfort of knowing his family, his daughter, was safe.

When he opened his eyes, Steve was gone.

Danny went back to his shitty apartment with a bottle of cheap whiskey and take-out Chinese. Danny had wanted to stay with Grace, wanted to watch her sleep, see the rise and fall of her chest to prove to him that she was still alive, still safe. But Rachel had said no; she’d allowed him to come home with them, tuck Grace in and read her a story, but after that he had to leave. Stan’s shoulder was a simple through and through so after being stitched up he was discharged from the hospital. Rachel wanted to spend the night as a family, moving forward past this awful day.

Danny wanted the same thing, but he wasn’t part of that family anymore. And because it’s the type of person Danny is, doing things for everyone else, he respected Rachel’s wishes, kissed Gracie goodnight, and went to the nearest liquor store to find the cheapest bottle of whiskey they sold because he didn’t want it to taste good, he wanted it to burn.

Steve called a few times that night, but Danny couldn’t be bothered to pick it up. The only communication Danny had with any of the team was his short e-mail the following morning saying he wasn’t going to be in, that he needed some time.

Danny didn’t leave his apartment for a week. Steve called, but Danny didn’t answer, and soon Steve stopped trying. Danny knew there was some upcoming charity ball for the governor, but he couldn’t be bothered to attend, taking an apparent long-term absence from Five-0. Danny had moved to Hawaii for Grace, but after this scare, Rachel was keeping Grace closer and closer, citing the fact that it was Danny’s old partner that had put Grace in danger. Deciding the family needed a break, Stan booked a trip for them to the Caribbean. They would be gone at least a month, and when they returned to Hawaii they would re-visit Danny’s custody agreement.

Danny’s heart couldn’t take much more at this point. His daughter was gone, the man he loved used him as a play toy, and his family was thousands of miles away.

So Danny drank and ate and didn’t bother to answer the phone when it rang, no matter how many times Steve called.

Danny did learn, from Kono and Chin’s e-mails that something bad went down with the murder at the Governor’s ball, and Steve had ended up in the hospital and Lori resigned from Five-0. They didn’t know specifics other then Steve was not talking about whatever Lori cited as her reason for departure.

That night, Steve showed up on Danny’s doorstep beer in hand.

Danny was fucking livid. His daughter had been kidnapped but Steve came over for Danny’s comfort. The shit had hit the metaphorical fan as Danny silently let Steve in, not saying a word to break the tension.

“You look like shit,” Steve commented as he grabbed the bottle opener and passed the Longboard to Danny.

“Thanks for the compliment.” The bitter liquid felt good going down, but not as good as the whiskey he’d been drinking.

Steve moved to sit down next to Danny on the bed; Danny hadn’t folded it back up in days since he had no imminent plans of moving from it.

“Lori left Five-0.”

“She did?” Danny was not in the mood for useless small talk, what Danny needed was Steve. He needed Steve to want him for more than just a night. Danny wanted Steve in every way, shape, and form.

“Part of it had to do with the fact that she’d been letting things slide, not telling the governor about things she knows she was supposed to. The other part had to do with the feelings she’d developed for the team, for me.”

Steve looked over at Danny. His eyes were unabashedly hopeful, like Danny would rage and rant in jealousy that Lori needed to back away from what was his. Danny realized Steve wanted him to feel like Steve belonged to him, even though he didn’t.

Steve needed the knowledge that he could submit to someone he could trust not to break him. But the fucking kicker was that Steve didn’t trust Danny. Sure, he trusted him to have his back in the field, trusted him to be there at night when he needed to let go, but he didn’t trust him to hold his heart, his feelings, and never let them slip. He let Danny into his soul for brief, uninterrupted moments at the end of their encounters, as they were both coming down from their respective highs, but then he closed the doors, put the mask back up and left. He didn’t let Danny see the fallout, the breakdown. The closest Danny had gotten to really seeing Steve was the first night he came over and tears slipped down his cheeks as he mourned for his friend. 

Danny’s emotions were raw, chipped and ground down by the things that had transpired over the past few months. He didn’t take the bait even though he knew if he did Steve would ride him till he’d forget his name. But Danny was so tired of getting just enough to keep him wanting more.

“She’s pretty, why didn’t you take her up on it.”

Steve looked crestfallen. “I, uh, well I didn’t think it would be appropriate; I am, was, her boss.”

“You’re my boss.” Danny was all in now, double or nothing.

“It’s different, Danno.”

“How?”

“She wanted more then what I could give her.”

“What about what I want, Steve.”

“I, um, thought you were okay with what we had.”

God fucking damn his puppy dog eyes. “No, Steven, I am not okay with what we have and you know that so don’t attempt to play dumb because I won’t buy it. And you also can’t play dumb about what you’re feeling.”

“Danny, I don’t know what I’m feeling.” Steve stood up and grabbed another beer from the fridge, polishing off half the bottle before violently slamming it down on the kitchen table as he sat in the chair.

“Fuck that, McGarrett. You’re just scared to admit it. Scared to say what’s really in your heart because it could make you vulnerable. You cannot tell me you don’t feel it, don’t feel what we have. Because I see it, briefly, in the unguarded moments after we’ve been together, but it’s there. You know you could give me everything and I’d never hurt you.”

“Danny, I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, I can’t possibly show you who I really am, not everything. If I showed you everything, Danny, you wouldn’t stay.”

“Try me, because I think I’d surprise you.”

“Everyone leaves, Danny. This won’t be any different. I can’t give you what you want.”

“And you’ve known that since the beginning.”

Steve didn’t answer, just watched as the condensation on his beer bottle trickled over the label and fell to the table. He looked up with guilt in his eyes, clearly at a loss for words.

“I fucking knew it.” Danny was up now, pacing back and forth across the room, his hands waving around, mind and heart numbed from all the alcohol he’d consumed, “You’ve been playing with my heart, Steve, and I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve been there for you. I’ve been there when you couldn’t move forward, do anything, let go. I was there to help you through it, stay with you while you figured things out. Well, guess what, now I need you.”

“Danno.”

And Danny knew, in that moment, that it was all for nothing. The months he spent holding onto Steve in any way he knew how, giving Steve what he needed even though Danny desperately wanted more. He knew that Steve was never going to give him what he wanted, not now, not ever.

“Leave.” Danny pointed at the door, holding his ground as Steve looked up at him, shocked.

“Danny…”

“I mean it, Steve; I can’t have you in my house anymore, not after this.”

“Danny, I want to give you what you want. I do, but I just can’t.”

“Steve, you are one of the bravest and strongest men I have ever met. If you wanted to, you could. But it’s not what you want, so please just leave.”

Steve glanced back over his shoulder one more time as he made his way towards his truck. Danny stood in the doorway bathed in the glow of the fluorescent lights of the apartment. Danny knew Steve saw the tears in his eyes, but he never moved to come back.

Danny stood in the doorway until Steve’s taillights disappeared around the corner.

And Danny went back inside and drowned himself in tears and cheap whiskey, thinking about how those he loved never seemed to love him back enough.


End file.
